It has been a while since I have been present at Sunday services. The summer services switched to 9:30AM only, and coupled with a long standing East Coast phone date, long commute, and perpetual exhaustion, I have been hesitant to go. So my husband and I linger in bed together longer than we usually do, and I soak in the wonderful comfort of his warmth. It brings me great joy.
I am tired.
Over dinner yesterday, I told Will that I wondered if maybe I was burned out. He looked up at me, lovingly, and said, “You’re toasty.” My fork fell back to my dinner plate, and I thought for a moment. Between teaching and the food bank, I am working very hard. Meaning can only be found where I look, but I need to have the energy for the search. I might be helping some of the neediest people, but that is lost on my heart at the moment.
My internal spark has been taking the form of smoldering embers.
I have not been to church. To keep part of a community takes a piece of your time, energy and soul. My journey readjusted and now my candle’s a bit shorter than it was. Is it selfish to try to keep these pieces, for now, and hope to expand outward once they are back in place? Is my faith purposeless in a context where to be UU is more of a community member than a specific statement of faith? Being UU means that I walk into a place where my spirituality is accepted, but not necessarily one where it is related to.
I am drifting a bit. Perhaps that is a sign that I should go back to that community at my church. Or perhaps this is a sign which I should pay attention to of why it can be hard to maintain stable memberships in voluntary communities. Maybe it has little to do with the community itself but a reflection of the places members are.
I will be back there. In time. Maybe Sunday.