Nine of ten Unitarian Universalist youth leave the faith, according to the Rev. Dr. Terasa Cooley, cited in UU World. So when I tell you that I am the coordinator (more like church liaison) of a vibrant and active young adult group, it may not surprise you to hear which word that I would use to describe most of its members.
Transplant.
The word applies to different people in different and sometimes multiple ways. There are transplants to Seattle and transplants from different faiths. Sometimes both meanings apply. To my knowledge, almost all the people who were raised UU, and who have been active in the group the last couple years, are from some faraway land such as Nebraska or Indiana. And when I say “almost”, there is only perhaps 2 people out of around 35 I can think of who is from Seattle. I am under the impression we are not unique. As I understand it, many people who came to the church were seeking a combination of spiritual and community fulfillment. We do our best to make that happen.
I am a transplant in both ways. My native land is in upstate New York, and my native faith was Roman Catholicism. I migrated to Unitarian Universalism and have been UU about four years. I elsewhere wrote about my journey. The irony is that becoming Unitarian Universalist made me a better Catholic. It is a closer model through which to love others like Jesus loved. It is my suspicion that Jesus would see the Catholic church as another institution of the Pharisees. Finding a UU church was like a breath of fresh air, where I could finally live like I felt I was called to. I could support non-heterosexuals, lead and be female guilt free, and explore this beautiful world as I felt led to. The minister was fantastic. The people were warm. There were not too many folks my age, but it did not matter. I felt like I had come home, and the radical love really was lived out. The older folks really took me under their wing and let me lead and fail. (It also turns out that volunteering to wash dishes when you first arrive can make you quite popular.) I am so grateful to them, and for those experiences. I owe my current church for the fact I have friends in Seattle, that I have roots, and spiritual grounding. I have much to appreciate; I am grateful. Some of the richest experiences I have had were multigenerational ones: another post for another time. The congregational life has meant so much to me.
In the last couple years I have taken up a greater role in online Unitarian Universalist young adult communities, and tried to take on more leadership. The folks are usually fantastic, and I feel blessed to know them. My participation has highlighted to me that there is a divide between natives and us converts. Frankly, it can feel like we belong to different faiths as the experiences and priorities seem so divergent. I first noticed it in the discussion of the YA demographic dearth. I read UUpdates in the morning, and sometimes I find myself both furrowing eyebrows and sipping coffee as I read something which supposedly describes the needs of a Young Adult Unitarian Universalist. These pieces sometimes read as though they are describing a group I do not belong to… minus the fact that I, too, am a Young Adult Unitarian Universalist. That is OK, radical inclusion means that one is not guaranteed to fit in.
For instance, to take part in the national conversation, I needed to learn a new language. It is a vernacular of treasured experiences that us converts do not have, nor can we go back in time to live them. Cons? Huh? Cons? The vibrant discussion about them might as well be in Latin, as I cannot relate to the enthusiasm. I am still trying to figure out what each ingredient is of the UUYA acronym alphabet soup. JPD? OPUS? YRUU? Some folks have been really terse with me for my unfamiliarity, as if I clearly should have known. Heaven forbid the fact that acronyms are inherently exclusive. UU Polity? What? I struggle with the projected importance of this human institution as much as I struggled with my previous one. It is, after all, simply human. It is not like I can could afford to attend General Assembly anyway. When I say I am UU, my participation is mostly my brick-and-mortar church.
I struggle to relate to our religious education programming as a foundation of community. It is so different than the one I grew up with. It seems to emphasize individualism and self reliance. That’s is OK, but why are we then shocked at how high our attrition rate is relative to other faiths? My religious education as a child emphasized doing things “right” (good old ten commandments and the example of Jesus loving the outcasts), of course, but it also aimed for us to discipline ourselves into the tedium of being a member of the community. Yes, there is a lot of social control. We UUs hate that, and it’s fair to be suspicious. There is also a valuable imperative to learn, as a small child, to sit through the services, though they may be dull, and understand the best you can, though they are talking about adult topics. I am continuously surprised that UUs do not bring their kids to services, feeling the service inappropriate for them. Really?
The irony is that Catholic education taught me the skills and values to partake in UU congregational life. I could adopt the UU principles so easily because I already had learned them before I knew what UU was. They are not exclusively ours. Heck, even Universalism is picking up among evangelicals. The additional irony is that the UU religious education, what you may presume to be more authentic, seems to inspire most to leave the community. I often feel marginalized in these conversations, like I am somehow less UU for not having that experience and not “getting it.” This is despite the fact that I actually participate in the only unifying thing we have: our congregations.
The truth is that no, I do not get it.
Much of the conversation about the lack of young adults discusses how we do not keep our youth. To the extent that she cares, I do not think that my mother is thrilled with me for leaving Catholicism (though I never doubt that her love is unconditional). For the curious, their attrition is about 33%. I imagine UU parents may feel the same about their kids leaving something they value. The irony for me is that I am the coordinator/church liaison of a group that exists because UUism figured out it was losing its children to the world, yet the majority of people who came to populate that group are also the least qualified to figure out how to retain the youth. Our sense of what the UU youth might be missing is from observation, speculation, and hearing from them. We lack direct experiences. Though I am helping to plan a retreat, I do not go to cons. The description of sexual freeness at cons struck me as some I would be *really* *uncomfortable* with, like it was unbecoming of a married woman, or at least this one who is writing, to attend. That I feel this way is likely a reflection of my inhibitions and background. I feel like admitting that is inviting a storm of criticism for not being liberal enough, or UU enough.
Seriously. Beyond that, the YA groups that do well are probably doing a decent job of meeting the spiritual needs of those who are there. At my church, that tends to mean meeting the needs of geographic and spiritual transplants.
A convert is like a migrant – they came here because they like it better than their previous residence. I love Unitarian Universalism. I am very grateful that I could transplant my spirituality and take root. With that said, I do not think that I know how to tend the roots of my generation who were born UU and then chose to leave our communities. Catholicism did not teach me those skills.
I was just considering the attrition issue when reading your post, and decided expectations probably have a lot to do with it. The expectation in most faiths is that the children in religious education will grow up to be an adult member of that faith. Not so in UUism.
The principle about “a free and responsible search for truth and meaning” does seem to be fairly unique to our denomination. For good or ill, we do our best to exemplify that in our religious education. The coming of age class is all about asking the question “what do you believe?” When I took the class, part of it involved learning a bit about the beliefs of other faiths. We attended services at a Catholic church, a Jewish temple, a Muslim mosque, a Chinese-speaking Buddhist temple, a Pentecostal church, a Quaker meeting house, and a few others. The point was to show us that a lot of people worship in different ways, and also that all of these ways are perfectly acceptable and valid ways to worship.
By contrast, many of my Christian friends at the time went through confirmation, where they learned more about their own faith and had to promise to maintain that faith as they entered adulthood.
I think this is a key difference. While many faiths have a coming of age process that involves learning more about one’s own community and being encouraged to make a greater commitment to it, our coming of age process encourages our kids to go out on their own and do what they feel is right. The fact that the former style leads to a higher retention rate than the latter should surprise no one.
Yeah, you make a really good point with that. Isn’t it interesting that going out on their own and doing what they feel is right tends to involve exiting? Seriously though. I am not saying it’s a bad thing; it’s a thing that happens, and how interesting that it would be the case. Is it a reflection of the nature of a search, is it a reflection of where one finds meaning, or something else? Folks be worried about it, that’s for sure. The concern is interesting itself – to compare back to Catholics, when people leave that faith, they are leaving the “one, holy, catholic, and apostolic church” – losing their way to salvation. There is a concern for the well-being of the people and the institution. When UUs discuss it, they are often fearing their faith dying out due to lack of numbers, not so much the well being of individuals. The powerpoint slide I reference actually comes out and says retention is cheaper.
It is interesting to me.
I wonder what we have to learn from the Amish Rumspringa, where their youth go out into the rest of the world and are not held to the community’s expectations..
Hmmmm. That is an interesting thought experiment. I don’t know.
I don’t think it is strange that it involves exiting. Many UU’s attend college, which tends to be an uprooting experience and one that is not conducive to attending church. It’s also the time where you get to decide for yourself what it is you want to do with your life… will you pick up a church? etc.
Most people I know who were raised UU continue to be UU, but may have a gap in college and a few years after.
I have raised my children in my UU church. My daughter (now 17) pretty much rejects the UU church because of her perception of hypocrisy. She loves the idea of the principles but has felt that (at our church at least) we are open and accepting of all religions except for Christianity. Having many Christian friends (many different types) it bothered her that she felt them mocked, ridiculed or just plain old not accepted. I think this is a real problem in many of our congregations. My son (14 years) still loves the church, but he stopped attending RE classes because he found them too childish and the teachers (doing the best they can of course) did not control the classes or do much to bring the curriculum to life. He loves to attend services and really loves our minister. He’s a bit of a deep thinker and this kind of thing appeals to him. It will be interested to see where they land.
Stephanie, I had much the same experience as your daughter, although I was raised in the Presbyterian church until I was about 12, then I wandered off to the wild.. I spent much of my first UU experience in an environment where I found the congregation to be open and accepting of all religions except Christianity, which was a shame really, since I’ve moved areas I’ve found much that I appreciate and like about Christianity.
I used to be kind of anti-Christian when I first left, and then I got over it (well, honestly, I grew up, but I don’t think everyone’s bias comes from the same place mine did).
It will be interesting to see where your kids land. Thanks for sharing, your experiences, Stephanie! It gave me something to think about.
As a YA convert myself, I cannot thank you enough for writing this piece. I have no problem with the YA’s in my church, but when we have tried to interact with other YA groups, this alphabet soup and talk of cons is difficult to navigating and can be quite off-putting.
Thanks for the thanks, Taryn :) It is nice to know that I am not alone.
I’ve been struggling with your piece all day today. As someone who was born a UU, gone through religious education programs, Our Whole Lives, Young Religious Unitarian Universalists, was a peer chaplain trainer, on many youth camp staffs, and serve our faith on a national committee and other roles, what’s it mean when I hear stories of converted UUs who feel ostracized or apart from “people like me”?
My faith means a lot to me, I’ve spent ten years in leadership roles. When I list my identities it comes right after the “visual” identities (white male). How do I share that this faith is who I am? That it’s not just the Principles and Purposes, but the Sources that define my faith. It’s the relationships and communities I’ve helped create and who’ve supported me for many years.
I feel like your major critiques are exclusive language that comes from shared experiences, religious education, and congregational life compared to Unitarian Universalism as a faith. The first one is just something that happens, if I joined Catholicism or another Christian sect that did communion, someone would have to teach me how to receive it. They would have to teach me the prayers, and the language of the faith. I really wish people would stop getting hung up on cons. For high schoolers, they are important places to gather and share (I’m not sure about your comment about sexual freeness), but even congregations go on retreat together. It’s one minor aspect.
Religious education is different though, a lot of curricula are developed and taught by UU converts. What’s that mean when it’s compared to your statement about teaching individuality?
Finally, I feel like the major disconnect between lifelong UUs (I don’t like native) and converts is the appreciation of congregations and the picture of our faith as a larger movement. Personally, I could give or take congregations. I don’t like the petty political drama, I don’t like egos, and I take great offense at the vast majority of UU congregational worships. They lack something, they are behind. I’ve spent so much time working nationally, that I see UUism as something beyond local congregations. It’s why I’m on the GA Planning Committee.
I look forward to the other parts, but I felt the need to engage in some dialogue. I hope you understand it comes from a place of questioning and sharing for greater understanding and I’m not attacking.
Bart
Howdy Bart, thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I’ve been on the internet long enough to know the difference between disagreement and struggling for understanding versus attacking :)
Part of the reason I used “native” was because I was writing through an immigration metaphor, though I found myself bristling at the label of “lifelong”. I asked myself why – that is an interesting reaction. I tried to make a list of things I have been my entire life. I am a lifelong American, I am a life-long female, a life long [my surname]… those titles seemed weird to me too. To compare them to those who are not lifelong (someone who became American, became female, or married into my family) general suggests a lesser-than. Ideally “lifelong” would simply be an adjective without baggage, and that we would not measure one’s UUness by how much time they put in.
You are certainly right that any new experience requires learning the ropes. If you join a Catholic church they have institutionalized that (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults). I never picked up on a “I’m more Catholic than thou” that can (I strongly suspect inadvertently) come off when one expresses a laundry list of leadership experiences that started in childhood. Some of those leadership experiences are unclear. To be honest, I do not have a concrete idea of what a peer chaplain is. It sounds like a good thing for a teen to do, but beyond that it’s gray. Once you’re in, you’re in.
There are a lot of differences that make the comparison unfair. People convert to Catholicism usually because they married someone who was born into the faith. They come with a guide, (or their entire family of in-laws) unlike most converts to UUism.
Before your comment, I had not considered the different ways that religious identity could affirm itself. There are some folks, converts, in my group who have told me that they consider themselves part of our church community but not being UU. Given that there is not a UU rite of initiation for adults (like Catholics or Evangelicals have), the only way you really convert to UUism is by joining a church. I guess you theoretically could adopt the label on your own, The only folks who have the ability to be a part of the faith in their adulthood congregation free are those who were born into it. Hmmmmmmm… I need to think about that.
I think it is a bit unfair to dismiss congregational life for the pettiness that can arise. I have yet to encounter a group of people of any substantial size that did not struggle at least a little bit with it. Frustration is the price that one pays to be in a community. Different communities come with different costs; sometimes it is not worth it.
What offends you about UU worship? Seriously. I often hear people complain about a lot of things, but what is it for you that does it?
The last entry I had discussed a letter in which the writer argues the UUA is violating the democratic process by leading congregations when, as a congregational faith, it is designed to follow and shepherd. It is interesting to hear the congregations are behind. What would “forward” look like?
It is hard not to read some parts of the comment as a statement that the only way for people to become UU is to become a part of a deficient portion of the faith (the congregations). I sincerely doubt you meant it that way, or that you explicitly feel that way. I write that just to challenge you a bit.
I was actually referring to young adult cons. I can PM you the backstory on that if you’d like to hear it.
I was going to write more, but it is late (an hour past my usual sleeping time). Later?
Chris
I didn’t mean for the list to offend, but it’s part of my identity. As arrogant as it may sound, my involvement in UUism is a great source of pride for me, informs my understanding of our faith, and provided me with concrete ways to live my faith. I think a part of the reason I listed them is because sometimes these discussions have a tendency to make me feel like I’m not welcome in my faith, so I wanted to confirm my committedness….ya know what I mean?
I think it’s interesting that there are folks who participate in UU communities but don’t consider themselves UU, when I know folks who identify as UU and don’t want to participate in UU communities.
I’ve been doing “big church”, denominational work for a while and to go to congregation after doing that work can be frustrating. When the UUA Board of Trustees holds a worship, it has some awesome ministers as members who lead it. When the GAPC plans GA worship, we try and recruit the best preachers. I live my Unitarian Universalism in a different sphere. A sphere where Anti-Oppression work (including theology, theory and practice) is constant, whereas some large churches are just now doing anti-racism work or (in the case of an old church) doesn’t understand the different between social action and justice.
But then I’m supposed to go home to my (totally theoretical) congregation and sit through worships that may not speak to me because the person planning them doesn’t share my theology (I really don’t like earth-centered worships unless they are done super well). So many of our UU congregations are the only one in their area, yet they aren’t all the same. You might say this makes us special, I say it ruins “the brand”. When I go to a congregation and they’ve got a humanist minister that should be teaching philosophy at the local university, not preaching, what’s that say about the larger faith? The opposite, if I go to a UU church where the minister really might be more at home at a UCC congregation, what’s that mean?
P.S. a peer chaplain is like a peer counselor, you know, they listen and such, but they also do worship.
Bart, I think you’ve hit on something with this:
I don’t think the right way forward is to force every UU Congregation to be the same, but what about encouraging congregations to add a prominent tag line? So you get Hopedale UU: An Earth Centered Community. This of course gets trickier with larger congregations like my own which might not have a clear clean tagline…
I am sending you an email with potential slogan candidates. :D
Thanks for explaining what a peer chaplain is. I had a suspicion, but when talking to the youth in my church about cons they mention it and jump to a new topic so quickly it seems rude to go back.
I can relate really well with feeling like ya gotta prove your commitment to UUism. I think I do that for the same reason you do – feeling a bit unwelcomed, lesser than, not believed, etc. I come into it with cultural baggage being a woman who is more outspoken than most, so I’ve invited more opportunities for my credibility to be questioned. (For the record – I’m not questioning how UU you are, or whether you’re committed. I think those are really obvious.) I also think it’s totally fair to define your identity by the things you sink the most passion and time of life too. I was trying to point out that there can be a disconnect between why things are said and the meaning that is heard by the listeners.
It sounds like a lot of the issue is that there is not one UUism; it various by geography, by church, by phase of life you were in when you joined it.
Yeah, it can be difficult to find folks who share your theology in a faith whose theology is intentionally individually driven. I have not found folks who share exactly mine at my church; mine has also changed over the last couple years. That is one of my favorite things about UUism- room to grow, room to adjust. I often learn more from differences than similarity. To answer your question about the different styles of ministers, well, to me, is that perhaps our national faith is a big one, one with lots of space to be what it is. There is no one UUism per say – it may be more accurate to describe it as an orientation to mystery with an openness to try a lot of solutions. It tells me it’s a ground-up faith, not a top-down faith. I am not convinced that philosophy or really open Christianity is incompatible with being UU. Even when I disagree, I’ve found the perspectives worth listening too. Yeah, we’re going to have branding issues. We could also choose to be a bit counter-cultural in not accommodating our product, so to speak. I read a lot of evangelical blogs and they are all about the branding. There is a very famous mega-church in my town who grew by using all the usual business school tricks. Frankly, I find it refreshing that we don’t. Life’s complicated, the world is complicated… I think it is fitting if we are too.
I am glad you found a place that satisfies you on the national level. I find some of what you wrote about your relationship to national and congregational life very interesting. It sounds like you are saying that you took a national leadership position (which is very cool) in a congregational (bottom-up) denomination, but feel uneasy about the defined communities that you’d be serving, following them as per our principle of democratic process. That is really interesting. Sounds like a tough place to be, frankly.
On a sidenote… I share your passion for anti-oppressive work; it’s what I do, how I live, and currently the way I am trying to make my career. (Fingers crossed.) That’s why I was working towards a PhD in sociology (until I figured out that wasn’t really a way to accomplish social change). I really understand being frustrated by congregations that don’t get it. They are often filled with people who don’t get it either. At the same time, I’ve found that when houses have problems with their foundations, the basement is the place to start fixing them, not the roof. I think the UUA can make educational material about various systemic oppressive systems, but it’s not going to change until the folks who make up the community choose to see what is going on.
Yeah, there’s no glamour in congregational anti-oppressive work, and it’s really really really hard to convince those you have relationships with, who may define “safety” and “acceptance” as “telling me that I am right” or at least “not telling me that I am wrong” that something’s oppressive. That’s long, slow, tedious work. Trust me. I taught sociology. :) Unless the UUA takes a top-down approach, a la Vatican, its effectiveness is limited.
If the goal is to belong to a community that pre-existingly conforms to one’s expectations, then one leaves the community when it does not fit. Members of communities have a lot of agency to create them too.
But that is a very far tangent from the original question: What defines the UU community in terms of population, theology, and organization? How does one know when others are UU? How does one become UU? How do different people experience UUism? What impacts their differential experiences? How does this impact the direction of the community?
I appreciate this conversation, and I appreciate your earnestness in your replies.
Congregations are why the UUA exists. Period. General Assembly is an assembly of delegates and ministers (and maybe some others I’m forgetting) from congregations… so when I hear people say “I don’t really like congregations,” I don’t know in what sense of the word they claim to be involved with Unitarian Universalism.
I had a very similar experience as a young adult leader 20 years ago. When I joined First Unitarian Church in Salt Lake City in 1991, there were no other college students attending regularly and very few twenty-somethings, but the minister helped me start a young adult group. There were lifelong UUs in our group from the beginning, but the majority of us were always converts—I grew up Mormon—and we converts discovered Unitarian Universalism through congregations. It was only when I started getting involved in denominational activities that I ever encountered UU young adults who identified primarily with extra-congregational institutions. I’ve met only a few young adult UU converts who haven’t had a primary congregational connection somewhere.
In the five years I was in the Salt Lake church, our young adult group grew to include dozens of people. It wasn’t long before young adults served on the church’s board, religious education committee, and long range planning committee. We taught Sunday school classes and, with high school seniors, organized and facilitated a biweekly middle-school drop-in center. We went on church camp-outs and retreats together. We held our own weeknight activities every week, but also attended Sunday services. I think only four of us participated in any extra-congregational UU activities during that time, though, and for two of us that ended up translating into going to seminary.
My experience later as a youth advisor convinced me that this same pattern holds true even within our youth ministries. The youth program I coordinated for three years in the late ’90s included lots of youth who grew up UU, and several who became UUs through our youth group. But only a handful ever attended cons or got involved in denominational events, and several times the youth I encouraged to attend GA were turned off by Youth Caucus and the culture they encountered there.
My point is that, while there definitely is a vibrant subculture of UU identity among lifelong UUs that thrives in extra-congregational settings (I met lots of them when I was C*UUYAN facilitator in 1995-96), there is also a larger but much more locally situated subculture of young UUs who identify primarily with their congregations. And I don’t think there’s anything new about the fact that people who identify with one subculture bump up against different values and assumptions from people who identify with the other one. I definitely found that to be true during my years as a UU young adult.
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My two cents:
There are so many cool ways that Young Adults (including me) can be active and committed in Unitarian Universalism. Thank you, you bloggers, you comment posters, for your participation and effort. That’s on behalf of congregations, or in leadership in the wider movement, or at young adult conventions, or on the web, or out in the world and in your everyday lives, or some combination of all of the above. Thank you, thank you, thank you, may we inspire one another to be our own best Unitarian Universalists. So may it be.
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